IRISHMAN FOR HIRE

A few days ago, I woke up early in the morning with a pounding headache because I had slept in the wrong position again. It was too early to start my day, so I trudged down the stairs to the medicine cabinet, took some ibuprofen, stumbled half asleep back to my bedroom and climbed sleepily into my warm bed. I laid there for a while trying to find any comfortable position that might ease the pain. But eventually, I gave up and lumbered downstairs as the aroma of warm coffee being brewed wafted throughout the entire house.

As I stood in the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee, Stephanie looked at me, smirked and said, “You look like we did when we first had kids?”

“How’s that?” I asked as I stood there half awake, hair standing straight up and my head cocked to the side in an attempt to find a neck position that would stop the jackhammer in my brain.

“Like you haven’t had sleep for days,” she replied

“Great,” I said as I went into the living room and sat on the couch. “I look like a zombie. Thanks.”

And then I slowly nursed my coffee while listening to Sports Center. I took my time getting into the shower and slowly but surely, I did get dressed. As I sat on my bed and debated whether or not to I should call in sick, the kids came running into my room to see if I was ready to leave. It was my day to drop the kids of at school and preschool. And with that revelation, I knew a sick day was not in the cards. I was going to work.

I got off my bed, motivated myself as best as I could and got the kids ready for school. I hurried them out the front door and packed them into the car and headed out to start my day. My kids were extremely talkative and we were having a great discussion about my fantasy football team and why they failed to win another championship while I traveled the local streets. And when I was almost halfway to work, my son Josh asked, “Dad, where are we going?!”

Holy Smokes! I was halfway to work, having a great conversation with my kids and I totally forgot to drop my son off at school! How could I have forgotten to drop him off?! I was talking with him the whole time and it never dawned on me that I had driven past his school and headed for my office. This day was not going well and as I glanced at the clock on my dashboard, I knew I was going to be getting to work late.

Nonetheless, I turned the car around and drove Josh to school. After dropping him off at his morning program, Chloe and I raced back to the car. As I buckled her into her car seat, my head was pounding harder than ever against my skull because of my increased heart rate. But I put a smile on my face, and joked with Chloe, “Well, now that we remembered where your brother goes to school, do you think I will remember where you go as well?”

“Don’t forget me like you forgot Josh, Daddy,” she replied with a look of fear that reminded me of the most important rule of the day; four-year-olds don’t get sarcasm!

“I won’t, sweetie, I promise I won’t,” I quipped as I closed her car door and jumped into the driver’s seat of my car.

When we finally arrived at Chloe’s school and parked the car, I quickly grabbed all of her stuff out of the front seat and walked her into her classroom. While Chloe was taking off her hat and coat, I put her stuffed turtle on her shelf. She handed me her hat and gloves, so I put those on her shelf as well. I hung up her backpack and finally, I put my lunch box on her shelf.

What?! You have to be kidding me! I grabbed the wrong lunch box out of my car. Chloe thought this was funny and started laughing hysterically at my mistake. And as I started to leave the room to get her lunch box, Chloe implored me to let her walk out to the car with me. I was already late, so what could it hurt?! So I told her she could come with me and we proceeded to put her coat, hat and mittens back on.

We were laughing and joking about the morning I was having as we walked through the lobby of her school towards the front door. And as we stepped out onto the sidewalk, I reached back to take a hold of her hand and Chloe ended up walking forcefully, face first, into the back of my hand. She grabbed her nose and immediately started to cry. I felt horrible as I picked her up in my arms and tried to comfort her knowing full well that there was going to be another baby doll purchase in my not too distant future.

As I tried to console my daughter while we went back into her classroom, all I could hear inside my head was the voice of Nelson from The Simpsons as he stood on the sidewalk in front of my daughter’s school, pointed his finger at me and said, “Ha! Ha!”

The tears were still streaming down Chloe’s face when we walked into her classroom and that is when her teacher asked, “What’s wrong with Chloe?”

“My Dad smacked me in the nose!” Chloe said matter-of-factly!

“I did not smack you in the nose! Well, I did but I didn’t… it was an accident,” I quickly responded.

So after forgetting to drop my son off at school and accidentally smacking my daughter in the nose, I never thought the worst part of my day was going to be having to explain everything to my daughter’s teacher. As I walked out of the front door of her school on the way to my car, I said to myself that there was no possible way that my day could get any worse.

As it turned out, I was only half right. My day didn’t get any worse but it only got marginally better. And although I tend to disagree, I am told that in a few years my kids and I will look back and laugh about this morning. Somehow, I think my wife already is because it happened to me and not to her. So I guess there is some truth in the old saying that “comedy is the ability to laugh at someone else’s misfortune!”

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