Rumor has it that you will never forget your first love. I have been told that when the unbridled feeling of love is unleashed within your heart for the first time, the wave of unfettered emotion is both undeniable and uncontrollable. From that initial moment when that spark is ignited within your soul, love will take hold of your heart and your life will be instantly changed forever.
Love has changed my life. Love has brought me some of the most amazing feelings of pure happiness but in all fairness, some of the most difficult phases of my life have been a direct result of a love that was lost. I cannot fight or refute the power of love in the world. Love is a powerful emotion and as I was sitting around the other night thinking about my life, I realized that I too have not forgotten my first love.
She has enchanted me with her enlightened eclecticism, seduced me with her sensual, yet stimulating sonnets, and intoxicated me with the intricacies of her wistful mannerisms. The complexities of my own cathartic endeavors will forever haunt me as I delve the hallowed anthems that have sprung forth from her charters and constitutions. She has loved me like no other, she has inspired me beyond my wildest dreams and she has, at times, broken my heart like no one ever could.
I met my love in the third grade during a simple contest. As I sat there in my chair trying to find a topic to elaborate upon, my passion stood right in front of me and became the inspiration for the poem that won and ultimately ended up being printed in the local newspaper. I was reminded of that quintessential moment in my life every time I sat in my room and stared at the framed copy of that poem while growing up. It was a constant reminder that she had become a part of my life and that as long as I had life within me, our love would never die.
We spent many days and nights fighting with each other throughout high school. Whenever we seemed to captivate each other with the same old fascination that stoked the fire of our imagination, our freedom to explore the inescapable possibilities never seemed to materialize. We were stuck in a complex societal structure that was based on unbending rules and requirements. As we tried to break away from conventionality, the barriers became too difficult to overcome.
Although we spent many years furiously flirting with one another when no one was paying attention, it wasn’t until my final year of college that we burned the bridge of desire and threw convention to the wind one final time. We explored our passion within the context of a new medium where once again the possibilities were endless, but the constraints and obstacles proved to be too much for us to handle. We parted ways for good in my early twenties.
I thought about her many times over the years. So much of my life seemed to be defined by our creative ingenuity and although we were finally through, there were so many times over the past decade when I would pull out the old folders and take a walk down memory lane. I basked in the glory of great times and thought about those difficult periods that broke us. I often wondered if I had just tried a little harder to find a way to make the formalities work, maybe, just maybe, the endless possibilities might have come to fruition. But like so many trinkets from my past, I would put those memories back into their place where they belonged and focus my attention upon the responsibilities at hand.
Until one night, three years ago, inspiration found me again. In a moment of weakness, I sat there staring at an empty computer screen and before long I was caressing the keys as I let my inner voice just flow through my fingertips. I had not forgotten my passion. I hadn’t broken it off forever. I had walked away from her until I was able to let my love for her overcome the obstacles that have always stood in our way.
Like the Blues Traveler song Run Around states, “I still got this dream that you just can’t shake, I love you to the point that you can no longer take.” And I do. It’s our voice, it’s our rules and most importantly, it is our message. I find sanctity in the meanings of the questions that we answer together. I find deliverance in the ability to break free from the chains that have bound us for so long and let my heart speak freely for itself for the very first time. And I find peace in the fact that she cradles me in a cryptic illusion that only the two of us completely understand.
She is my first true love. She has been since that day I met her in the third grade. We may be battered, tattered and wiser than we were so many years ago but when I am with her, I see us back in the third grade when my heart skipped a few beats and I fell in love for the very first time. She is unbridled, she is uncontrollable and she is undeniable. As long as I have a voice and a vision, she’ll be with me for the rest of my life.